Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

        Many times while writing in this blog my mind becomes so empty or I forget the topic I wanted to write about it just makes me mad. Today for example, I heard a song and thought, that’s a great topic to write about and tell how it affects me as a survivor, but do you think I can remember the song? They tell me that memory loss is related to severe depression and if that is true then I really need to come out of it really soon before I totally loose my memory for good. It’s weird to start a sentence and stop forgetting that you were even talking let alone what you were talking about. Some time back I mentioned how I forget my way home and don’t recognize where I am at let alone forget the things I have done.         The mind is truly amazing in so many ways, it holds all our thoughts and memories while controlling out bodies all at the same time. The past which we live are memories that we o...

 For more than 100 years Haut de la Garenne  had been a center of child abuse Child Abuse is a disease that is running ramped across the United States about as fast as Head Lice and is kept just as quiet. School officials are now trained to look for signs of abuse on a child just like a school nurse is trained to look for Head Lice in children attending school. If a child is found to have Head Lice a notice is sent home to notify parents, however parents don’t discuss this with friends and family because of the myth that Head Lice is considered to be a sign of being dirty. Abuse is the same now, as the news reports almost on a daily or weekly of someone who has been caught and arrested. Letters are sent home every time a sex offender moves into any school district informing parents (At least here in NY) a general location where this person is living.         This is a good practice and it shows just how many pedophiles are out there but i...

            Today while looking into the mirror, I looked deep into my own eyes and thought about the old proverb that says, “Eyes are the window to the soul” which happened to be traced back to somewhere between 58 and 68 AD. This very saying has been said a million times or more for many different reasons, even in most of my prior counseling sessions this phrase was mentioned. As I stood there looking deep into my own eyes, the only thing I was able to see was darkness without any emotions. That is when I began to wonder, how do others view me when they look into my eyes. This actually got into thinking what do people really see, and how is it that I can attract people who at some point in their lives have been abused and find it very comfortable to talk to me. Of course a lot of these are triggers into my own abuse however in some way speaking with them made these triggers a bit different ...

            Dreams, is what we do when we sleep or think of something we would like to do, go or have. Dreams are good, their normal and in life it’s something that keeps us going, thriving to reach what we are on a path towards. Dreams are goals that we set at one point or another in hopes that we will make it to what we have always wished for. A new car, getting married, a special trip or surviving a past that has changed your life and taken away most of the dreams I had. Broken dreams are something that I and many other survivors of Child Abuse live with almost everyday of their lives. Many times my depression has stepped in the way of spending time family and friends and because of this I have missed out on a lot of my children’s special moments. Lately they don’t even ask anymore because more times then not they know what the answer will be, and I don’t know if they know how hurt I am because I am not the father that I have a...

            Tonight was depressing the same, yet I wondered if my life had any meaning because I felt as if I was falling over the edge. I have been depressed before but nothing like this, not where I questioned if my life had any meaning or not. I just sat there thinking of all that I have and I tried to come out of it because it scared me to even feel this way.             I have a feeling it came from a comment my daughter had said, see we were joking around in a van full of girls and her boyfriend she said she realized that there were two guys in the van. I looked up and said, one boy and one man to which she replied that the last she knew my mind was stuck at age twelve. I knew she was joking and did not mean what she said but I felt it inside and my heart started to sink, my mind started drifting into other comments my family has said and I just went down hill just as fas...

            Who stacked the deck of cards against me, that’s what I want to know. I follow a site on Twitter and tonight they posted three tweets in a row, most sexual abusers are someone in the family or someone the child knows, not the proverbial stranger with a lollipop, child abuse is far more likely to occur in the child's home than in a day care center and drug and alcohol abuse in the family makes child abuse about twice as likely. If this is all true which we all know they are then I was born with the wrong hand in the game of life.             Most children know their abusers, how very true. Not only did I know my abusers they were family and as it says is more likely to occur in the child’s home. That’s two out of three so it’s not looking to good so far on this topic, not one bit. Alcohol and drugs, yup that comes into play as well which is in our home and I knew the...