Many times while writing in this blog my mind becomes so empty or I forget the topic I wanted to write about it just makes me mad. Today for example, I heard a song and thought, that’s a great topic to write about and tell how it affects me as a survivor, but do you think I can remember the song? They tell me that memory loss is related to severe depression and if that is true then I really need to come out of it really soon before I totally loose my memory for good. It’s weird to start a sentence and stop forgetting that you were even talking let alone what you were talking about. Some time back I mentioned how I forget my way home and don’t recognize where I am at let alone forget the things I have done.
The mind is truly amazing in so many ways, it holds all our thoughts and memories while controlling out bodies all at the same time. The past which we live are memories that we often can look back on almost on demand like being in a conversation and remember doing the same thing as the topic even as the topic changes. As survivors of Child Abuse our minds had a way of taking these memories and tucking them into a certain spot of our brain keeping the traumatic events away from the front of our mind until our mind felt that we are ready to deal with all the images and facts of the hidden past. I have no idea how the mind decides when the time is right or feels that we are in a position to start remembering the past but when it does it can release images (referred to as flashbacks) or flood us with images, dreams and thoughts causing severe depression, suicidal thoughts or acts, self harming and many other reactions that in fact we cannot handle.
On the day we brought our first child home I was hit with fears and some memories of my abuse. I took therapy for a couple years and although I continued to have fears I stopped going but it never kept me out of work or from the activities that I did. When my brother abused his son and I helped the police in their investigation giving a testimony about my Sexual Abuse at the hands of my brother and I ended up back into therapy after my mind released more memories of my past which I revealed to the officer. Again I was affected, took counseling and was not out of work or stopped activities in my life. In both situations I was not afraid to leave the house, not afraid of people around me; in fact I continued to live what I felt was a normal life. The third time was no charm, because this time I wasn't telling anyone anything, I was not afraid to handle my children, in fact I had no idea what was about to happen during a simple medical procedure that was so normal and widely used on thousands of people daily I am sure except this time thet procedure was performed on a survivor. The simple act of placing a rubber band on a single hemorrhoid not only would cause me to walk three days feeling that same exact feeling of when I was raped, but would have a major affect on my brain and my life. Major depression sat in after going through just about every flashback I could have, dreams turned into night terrors and I actually started to have suicidal ideation visions which in my state of depression I was so afraid I would act on them so I was checked into the hospital and spent seventeen days working on what was going on.
Prior to the floodgates opening I had been on meds for slight depression and mood changes that did come about after the first memories when we brought our daughter home. After the flood I was on very strong medications at some of the highest dosages as they tried to bring my depression down to a more manageable range yet this time it seemed that all the meds they tried on me did not work. When they finally found the perfect cocktail that worked they released me to go home, except this time I ended up on disability not going to work. Since then, they have added new meds, changed meds and have tried many different methods to stop my downward spiral I was on. Nothing seems to be working which is why ECT is now the next option. I have heard many good and bad things about this procedure and I will be honest I am somewhat afraid of how it will turn out once I start the treatments. I am the type of person who likes to research everything and one thing that I found about Major depression is that the mind is actually affected in a physical way as scans have showed where a certain part of the brain will actually become smaller but I have not been able to see if ECT changes any of this in any way. Another factor I have is the Disassociation Identify Disorder and how it will affect the alters I have as they have been filling gaps in my memory from my past. I actually learned a ton of information from them and this explained many questions I had, and not just information but information that included memories and images where I actually believe they are there and in someway are a part of me. I also feel that these alters protect me when a severe flashback occurs or when I am in counseling which is where they come forward the most. When they do come forward I have no memory of what they said but I am told it is during this switching that most of my information about my abuse is revealed.
I am not sure if the memory loss that I am experiencing are my alters switching back and forth at time, the medication that I am on is causing it or if it is just plain a symptom of Major Depression which I am told. What I can tell you, is that the more it happens the more upset I am becoming almost to the point getting really angry. I am fumbling words, loosing thoughts, forgetting appointments and my short term memory is really poor. Traveling this road I am on to recovery is proving to be a very hard one to travel and is getting old. I know I need to heal but I am not sure my body is working with my mind to reach this goal. Just as in the beginning I explained to my doctors it was like my mind knew what was going on and I was aware of things but my inner child (Alters) reacted in a different fashion causing confusion inside. Confusion that today is still holding me back just as I am able to blog about certain things and come somewhat close to having something good to read yet I am unable my self to follow what it is I am typing. Imagine your goal will help you reach it, do you think I am able to do this? I am lucky if I can picture what I will be doing in the next hour. Dealing with Major Depression combined with PTSD I have said is to me the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with, if you can say I am dealing with it at all, food for thought. Until Next Time…