What is my meaning?

            Tonight was depressing the same, yet I wondered if my life had any meaning because I felt as if I was falling over the edge. I have been depressed before but nothing like this, not where I questioned if my life had any meaning or not. I just sat there thinking of all that I have and I tried to come out of it because it scared me to even feel this way.

            I have a feeling it came from a comment my daughter had said, see we were joking around in a van full of girls and her boyfriend she said she realized that there were two guys in the van. I looked up and said, one boy and one man to which she replied that the last she knew my mind was stuck at age twelve. I knew she was joking and did not mean what she said but I felt it inside and my heart started to sink, my mind started drifting into other comments my family has said and I just went down hill just as fast as I thought of them. I began to think of the way that I was then I thought about the other comment she had said to me once before about if I stay the way I am I will not become anything that I might as well be dead. I thought about what happened last week when my wife was disciplining my son when I know that alter had asked her to stop. It was the eight year old but like she said, she can’t go around worried all the time that she is going to trigger me by doing or saying something wrong. And actually out of the seven children we have four have made reference to my problem, even tossing the agoraphobia in my face by saying at lease she is not afraid to go out. How I am feeling and what the family is seeing is starting to get old, they can’t deal with me and frankly I can’t either.

The road I am on is becoming very bumpy and I feel I am at one of those spots in the road where it is a struggle to get over this hump. More often have I been questioning my meaning and how much longer my family is going to deal with me until it really blows up to where I won’t be able to handle it? The comments are starting to come easy and I try to ask as if I do not notice them, in fact no one would have known about today if my other daughter did not hear it. And of course no one knew what she was talking about so when the whole van broke out into a laugh I went right back to that eight year old who was always being made fun of and laughed at. I wish someone would tell me how long it will take until I stop feeling this way. When words that I hear won’t cause me to flashback or send my mind roaming my past as if looking through a deck of cards each with an event I have lived. I can tell you this, which is just how it feels, like a deck of cards with events of my past just flipping around in my head not knowing which memory card will be the next drawl. And the more cards that are played and the more comments made, makes me really wonder just if my life now has any real meaning.

            It is so hard to live in today while at moments living in yesterday, I can’t stop these memories even if they are old. Each alter comes out at different times, and sometimes it feels as if two are out at once and when that happens I really feel low because I know what they are and why they are here. This alone makes me think of just how bad things really were, or I realize that it is not a dream I’m going to wake up from soon. .The depression hurts badly, the PTSD hurts worse and combines them together and it’s a world of hell. I take all these meds that are suppose to help, I wonder what I would be if I were not even on these. The biggest thing that it has done is take away the anger I had that I directed everywhere but where is should but as time is going on I feel as if I am starting to stall or even go backwards. Some of my post make a world of sense, the poems that I write they sound so good but inside I question if even I listen to what I say. I get so confused and forget about everything I am told that I really do wonder where I am going, where I am on this road. This is why I question now, what kind of meaning does my life really have. Until Next Time…