Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Stuck in a Mental Whirlpool.

      Living with several mental problems makes life so hard to the point that confusion, forgetfulness, constant fears and thoughts that run so fast it's sometimes hard to slow down just to hear what you are thinking. This is what is going on with me, living in a whirlpool everything I just mentioned and tossing in trying to live day to day. So why am I letting this continue instead of seeking treatment? Good question.

     Now I am not bashing any organization but I live in New York. Now I have been disabled for over a year and a half and because of this I was put on medicaid. To my surprise there are no long term treatment centers in New York state. There are only acute centers and believe me I have called every center or hospital I could find on Yahoo. I found several top rated centers all across the country, even the one I was in last year called Sheppard Pratt. The kicker is New York Medicaid will only pay for services instate only. They will not cover any type of treatment out of state. My Doctor has put in a request to medicaid for permission but after one week there still is no answer.

     Now with help from family I have been able to stay somewhat grounded, but in no way is it two feet on the ground. I find myself regressing in how I have come thus far, I am planning to go to a local hospital. I do not want to die, this is very much heavy in my head, no way, no how. BUT I have been doubling some of my meds, sometimes taking three days worth which helps me just sleep it away. Now this has been only happening for a week but it should not be happenings at all. Last night I took my normal meds and plan to do so tonight because for some reason I feel the need to sleep. I don't know it is my paranoia, one of my alters or just I'm in such a panic I fear I wont be able to sleep. Fact of the matter there has been an increase of nightmares and flashbacks since my friend listened to a recording of a counseling session.

     Now the main reason I have not gone into a hospital is here it is pretty much eat, take meds and go to sleep. Their main focus are people who are suicidal or suffering from major depression, I may be really depressed but I feel they really can't do anything for me. So needless to say I am so stuck in the pickle jar that I don't know how far off I am until I can get into a center. Yet my second fear, how long can I stay grounded with a stable mind. Because everyday I feel like I am loosing myself every little bit at a time. So if I don't hear back I will check in and see if maybe it's a problem with meds or me.. We shall see, I Pray.