Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

     I previously blogged about walls that someone who has been abused will build inside their mind to protect themselves from further abuse and to hind behind from the abuse they have endured. These walls can sometimes be so strong that even the closest of family members or loved ones have great difficulty even getting a chance to peek beyond them for a chance to understand or to strengthen the bond one currently has with a person who has been abused.      For someone who has built these walls, even for them they find it very hard to ever let someone in fully. Often friendships and relationships are gripped with mistrust, skepticism and fear which is well hidden from the one whom the person is attached to. Although these issues are not the intention, they are a natural protection that comes from these walls and serve as the main source of stability in ones mind and life. For a loved one who has to deal with someone who has these walls, str...

      What surprises me even more is the fact that I have an alter that is the same way and in fact hates my wife. Just within the last several months after moving out and letting my alters run wild my one alter took to one female friend of mine and we had an affair. I don't remember anything from it, how it started, how it progressed, who made the first mood or anything. This created a very bad situation for me because I feel I did nothing wrong even though I did do something wrong. One of the biggest problems I have and depresses me the deepest is that when my wife and I argue she always addresses me and YOU. You did this, you did that or you betrayed us. I automatically going into a defencive mode because I did not do this, and yet in some way I did do this because my alters are a part of me. But how does one control alters and stop them from doing as they please or stop them from the damage they create of broken hearts and broken dreams?    ...

Yes, it has been almost a month since I have posted into my blog. It's not that I have not had enough to say but rather it has not been easy to get out into words. It has been a little over a month since my sixteen day hospital stay and I have lost count on how many ECT's I have had. I was at three a week, then down to two a week and now I am at once a week for what they call maintenance. I still cannot tell you what effect these treatments have had on me as of yet, and I am not sure what path I am truly walking down with these. What I do know is that my short term memory has been severally affected by them. I forget conversations, things I have talked about, things I have done and often even names and dates of things. It really is frustrating to go thru this because I know I am having problems bringing things to the front of my mind and no matter how much or how hard I think about it, I just cannot do it. It almost causes a headache trying to think as hard as I do because I k...

            Nothing puts a damper in something then finding out that someone you know has been touched by the same abuser as you. While growing up, there were several of his fiends involved it becomes pure shock to find out children left in the care of my Mother were abused as well. It becomes a realization that in fact no one was safe and as long as it met his personal needs, there was no regards for anyone’s feelings or what it would do to their futures.             Last night I spoke to a very close friend, although we don’t keep in contact faithfully, the relationship has always been like a younger brother to me and when ever we run into each other it’s as if we never loose contact. We became friends on the social network, Facebook and he happened to be on the chat so we started talking. With everything I have been through over the last ten months, I could not help but to a...

            When did we do that, seems to be the question I keep asking a lot these days, especially now that I have started my Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). In fact, not only do I ask that question more often now I seriously have lost days from my memory as little as four days prior to my first treatment. It was something they said could happen, and I heard that everyone goes through it while having ECT but I did not expect how it would affect me or feel once it started with me.             On December 7 th I was admitted to the hospital around six o’clock in the evening, from the time I woke up till the time I arrived at the hospital is a total and complete blank. It is so blank, it is as if the whole day never happened and if it did I was not a part of it, or so I remember. Yet, everyone tells me what I did, I know we did purchase a snow blower, from where I have no ide...

            First off, I would like to acknowledge the webpage Malesurvivor.org for helping me through the issue of the Social Worker and my hospital stay the past couple of weeks. The support from members helped me realize that it was only one person’s view that does not know the whole story and really had no basis to even make such a comment. Also, based on HIPPA laws no one is really going to have access to these records and the fact that my Sister was aware and even voiced her dissatisfaction only confirmed in my mind that she was way off base and I am starting to realize that it shows some people still need to be educated on Child Sexual Abuse, especially when it involves family members.             While reading some of the responses on the page in reference to my problem I came across one members blog who wrote about the view of some people and their comments “Boys will ...

            Today is a mile stone in my daughter’s life and again my illness has me away from the event. Something she wanted me to be at for the longest time, take her to her driver’s license road test. Just like several major events in my children’s lives I am not able to attend to see how she will do and the reaction she will have when the instructor hands her the pass/fail slip. This time however I am in the hospital receiving ECT treatments, which today happened to be my sixth one.             I have yet to truly experience if I have started to feel less depressed or anxiety, but I have noticed that my tremors have increased a tad bit however I do not feel the need to hide in my room like when I am home and retreat to my bedroom. I do wonder what affect this has had on my DID or my Alters as I have not had any communication with any of them. I still sense the presence of K...

            I have found the reason for my depression yesterday and the same depression I am feeling today. In order for the ECT to work they have to take me off one of the mood stabilizers that I am on, which happens to be the same medication given to people who have seizures. This medication would cause a problem with the ECT as it causes seizures as the electric shocks trigger the brain. And just like the AED’s that are used when a person is having a heart attack by blocking the natural electricity to the heart, this is used to change the way that the electrodes pass through the brain that causes depression.             So as you can tell, today is another depressing day which happens a lot. I do also believe it is the lowered meds and having to be in the hospital for this has me doing a whole lot of thinking which for me is never good. I seem to be sitting here looking back...

            Sometimes life brings new challenges and other days it just brings what it brings. When we wake for the day we never know what the day has in store for us and it changes every step we take, every turn of the corner. Depression is the same way; you never know when it will hit and just how heavy it will bring you down when it does. One thing I wish that I could predict when it will hit so that I can let people ahead of time.             I planned on blogging last night, however I was trying to figure things out and lost time around the usual blogging time. By the time I realized that I needed to get my computer, they closed the day room here in the hospital. Last night was another hard night as for some reason I hit a bottom of depression, and as always it just came on for no reason at all. I ended up going to bed a little after 3 AM and kind of laid there for a littl...

        Many times while writing in this blog my mind becomes so empty or I forget the topic I wanted to write about it just makes me mad. Today for example, I heard a song and thought, that’s a great topic to write about and tell how it affects me as a survivor, but do you think I can remember the song? They tell me that memory loss is related to severe depression and if that is true then I really need to come out of it really soon before I totally loose my memory for good. It’s weird to start a sentence and stop forgetting that you were even talking let alone what you were talking about. Some time back I mentioned how I forget my way home and don’t recognize where I am at let alone forget the things I have done.         The mind is truly amazing in so many ways, it holds all our thoughts and memories while controlling out bodies all at the same time. The past which we live are memories that we o...

            Dreams, is what we do when we sleep or think of something we would like to do, go or have. Dreams are good, their normal and in life it’s something that keeps us going, thriving to reach what we are on a path towards. Dreams are goals that we set at one point or another in hopes that we will make it to what we have always wished for. A new car, getting married, a special trip or surviving a past that has changed your life and taken away most of the dreams I had. Broken dreams are something that I and many other survivors of Child Abuse live with almost everyday of their lives. Many times my depression has stepped in the way of spending time family and friends and because of this I have missed out on a lot of my children’s special moments. Lately they don’t even ask anymore because more times then not they know what the answer will be, and I don’t know if they know how hurt I am because I am not the father that I have a...

            Tonight was depressing the same, yet I wondered if my life had any meaning because I felt as if I was falling over the edge. I have been depressed before but nothing like this, not where I questioned if my life had any meaning or not. I just sat there thinking of all that I have and I tried to come out of it because it scared me to even feel this way.             I have a feeling it came from a comment my daughter had said, see we were joking around in a van full of girls and her boyfriend she said she realized that there were two guys in the van. I looked up and said, one boy and one man to which she replied that the last she knew my mind was stuck at age twelve. I knew she was joking and did not mean what she said but I felt it inside and my heart started to sink, my mind started drifting into other comments my family has said and I just went down hill just as fas...

            Today before sitting down to dinner this Thanksgiving I was checking on my Facebook page, when one of my friends had posted a fortune cookie which said click here to read. So, I clicked the button to see what it said and the phrase “The first step to better times is to imagine them” came up. I looked at my fortune and thought a little bit about what it said and how true it was for me, including every survivor working so hard on their own recovery. Imagine them as if to say set some goals and reach for them. Once you reach your goal you will find better times. Make one think and realize just how true that statement is.             When I was working, the team I was on was always working towards one goal. When we reached that goal we would then set another set of goals to reach and this was how we moved through the day and this is how we stayed focused on the job at h...

            For the past month, I have been sharing parts of my past, present and thoughts. It has been a hard month as it has been over the past nine months when this volcano erupted causing a massive flux of memories. I have learned many things on my road to recovery but the one thing I have learned is that what I have done during these nine months is not what someone should do. I gave up friends, I deleted everyone from my Facebook, refused to talk to people on the phone and let emails go unanswered. Just as the beetles sang "you get by with a little help from your friends" I found that the most important things in surviving are friends and family. My family here, my sister in Florida , friends from work and groups such as MaleSurvivor.org and Betrayed Boys where meeting other people who share a past in more ways then one. Sure, it’s not like sharing your favorite color, or car, or ice cream but a past that was created at t...

            This coming June will mark twenty one years since I got married and thirty four years since we have met in an old fishing camp on the shores of Oneida lake. She was eleven years old and I was thirteen at the time but when your camping friends are easily made, and they always come and go unless they return the next year and you get to meet again. Our friendship started out as a telephone relationship until she was about sixteen years old when we were both able to spend the night at each others home, go camping or meet up to do things.             For someone who has been sexually abused for just about their entire life, the acts and the situations almost become normal and this is one reason that the question comes about as to if I asked for it or not. My wife and I at that age had already been talking about things that happened during my life as she was starting to s...

            Today is Monday November 22 nd and I type the date because it has been 2 days since I posted a blog. I am feeling very depressed and withdrawn and tonight I don’t know what to write about. I am back on the downswing of this roller coaster and I do not even know why. I spent most of today sleeping, I just could not wake up to save my own life if I had to. Sometimes the depression gets so deep like today, just like the last blog I stated it was one of the top 10, which this is going into that top again.             Over the weekend, we took our foreign exchange to New York City and it was horrible for me to say the least. Leaving for the trip I normally feel save in the car with my wife however as we drove further and further from the house the more uncomfortable I got and scared, I was stepping way out of my comfort zone and had no real safe place to run to if I ne...

            I started this blog several weeks ago with the intention of keeping a daily account of my feelings, thoughts and how I am progressing in my healing. While I know it is normal to have flashbacks and all that, it seems that all I have been posting are things that I remember about my past. Yes, this does involve my past however I don’t write about what I do, how I spend my day as someone who has PTDS and DID. This I need to do more often, and if there is something that happens like a flashback not to focus so much on what the flashback was but to focus on what I can learn from it and use it to better understand who I am. What I need to do is to go ahead and tell what the flashback was about, how I stayed grounded, what I did to move on from that flashback and how I was able to keep my alters contained without them coming out but rather let them know that it is okay and that today is not yesterday. So here is going to be my ...