First ECT.

            After a long time waiting for ECT to help me start to deal with my depression, I actually had my first treatment today. I’m not sure if it was what I expected, in fact it was way different and from what I read it’s almost as if nothing happened. Almost as if I went into the room where they do the procedure, they put me to sleep and I just woke up. However, they did to the treatment and I only wonder if the remaining will be the same as the first one of if they will become more noticeable to me when I wake.

            First off, I already mentioned that on Wednesday I had a series of tests done to make sure my body could handle to procedure. Well, Thursday just prior to going to bed the nurse came and put in an IV stint. I was not sure why they put this in, but I assume it was just incase something happened during the procedure or what, but they put it in anyway and I fell off to sleep.

            This morning I was awakened at 6:30 and they took my vitals, which they do every morning anyway but this time I was awaken for them. They gave me a shot and a drink that came in a plastic cup about the size of a Chrystal Lite container complete with the peal back top. I asked what these were for and was told the drink was to dry my stomach up so there would be no regurgitation and the shot was to dry up my mouth.  Then they gave me a hospital gown and pants to change into and asked to go potty before going down. It was about a half hour before the transporter came with the stretcher to roll me down, which by the way my mouth was very dry by the time we made it to the floor below. I was wheeled into my parking spot, or the spot where I thought was the prep room and two nurses came to get me ready. On the stretcher they placed a pad that went the entire length of the bed rails, placed heart monitor leads on my chest to monitor my heart. After waiting, which I think I fell asleep because they woke me up because it was time for me to have the treatment.

            At this point the doctor and anesthesiologist came in, hooked up some leads to my head and then applied the electrodes on both sides of my forehead. The Doctor at this point gave the order to put me out, I remember the needle going into the stint and that was it about it, I don’t even remember starting to count after he told me. The next thing I woke up and was being moved back to my room. I felt nothing, I had no after effects like loss of memory or confusion. The only thing that gave me proof that I had the procedure was that I had soiled my self from the seizure. After this I spoke to someone who stated that this happened to her for the first thru the third and then on the fourth she started to have the memory loss, or more like confusion. So we will see what happens.

            So that was it for my day and how my first ECT went. From what I read and watched on YouTube it is not half as bad as I had expected. My next treatment is going to be on Monday and I am going to stay the weekend and return home after Monday. The rest are going to be on an out patient basis. I have six more scheduled. I just met with my Doctor who said that what the woman told me is somewhat correct that after the third one slight confusion wlll happen afterwards buy should not be anything like I am expecting. Until Next Time…

Is it in legal terms.

            It’s just after dinner and I decided to bring my computer out and check out my own Facebook to see what’s going on out in the real world. I have been pretty quiet most of the day and basically sleeping all day. Dealing with the confusion has drained me and just brought in more depression. What I can’t believe is the lack of compassion or understanding from the staff on this floor. The floor I am on is the Psychiatric floor of the local hospital. I turned on my computer and went to look at the Facebook that is linked to this blog and a nurse decided to look over my shoulder.

            The one nurse that did ask about the title of the last blog post and what happened. She tried to brush it off and told me that she looked and saw nothing about what was written. I tried to explain to her I met with my social worker who showed it to me during our meeting. One of the nurses who were in the intake overheard the nurse and I talking and piped up that it was being handled and that I needed to drop it. I explained that I was not the one who brought it up and she proceeded to tell me that it is being taken care of, that the situation has been taken care of that in fact everyone has been told about it, almost as if she was disciplined. She then told me to drop it and walked away before I could make any comment. It is almost like I rattled the cage and now I get snipped at.

            When I was in another local hospital the nurses acted that because I was in for a mental problem, in this case depression, treated everyone on the floor as second hand citizens. Now I can see that a few here can be the same why when they feel you are attacking on of them, the fault gets placed back on the one with a mental problem. Okay, what ever. You would think that a staff that should be trained in mental work would have some extra compassion and understanding. Walk up and explain a mistake was make and apologize over it and admit wrong. Try and understand that what that word does to a Survivor and how that persons mind reacts to the situation. Try and understand that what a person is going through and then to have that term mentioned. One nurse said she thought it read that I was forced to rape my sister at the hands of my father. First of all it was not my father, it was my brother.

            Forced to rape my sister, could it be that is what happened? Was I forced to rape my sister at the hands of my brother? I have always explained that my brother forced me to have intercourse with my sister, but is that defined as rape? Now I don’t know how or what to think now that this nurse made this comment. Because I did not put up a fight because I did not really know what we were doing did I willingly rape my sister at the direction of my brother? One thing for sure is I cannot go to any of these nurses and explain how I am feeling or what is going on. I have never felt so unsafe and so awkward in my life. I questioned so much, learned so much and if what happened when I was 8 years is considered rape to professionals then it changes everything that I am. Forced to rape my sister, at that age when we did not even know what the word sex was or even what we were doing. I am supposed to have my first ECT tomorrow and if it goes well I am going home either Friday night or Saturday morning. In fact I may go ask to sign out and request that I be able to come in the morning for my ECT, if all the rest can be done on an out patient why not the first one. I know they want to be able to watch me and how I react to the first procedure but I don’t know if I can trust the nurses to do their jobs correctly if they treat me this way. Maybe I am being over paranoid or is just the child in my wanting to run away but I do feel like going to my room and just staying in bed which is about what I am going to do.

            On that note I can’t wait for tomorrow to come and the first ECT done. I am going to discuss with the doctor about going home either tomorrow or first thing Saturday morning. I will say this and I would and could not do but for the first time I feel like standing in front of a train. Forced to rape my sister, now I am going to have to go look to see just what any definition says about rape. I am going to find out if these professional nurses are correct or not. Until Next Time….

Don't nurses know the difference between CSA and Rape?

            Last time I blogged I spoke about how my day of check in went which was on Tuesday December, 7^th and the first full day on the floor on Wednesday. What I did not write was that after I posted my blog I met with the social worker on the floor. She asked me pretty much the same questions however she read that the intake nurse put into her notes that I raped my sister. Say WHAT???

            During the intake process, after telling her about my CSA and how my brother forced my sister and I to engage in sexual intercourse she wrote that I raped my sister. All the abuse started with me raping my little sister. I have no idea how she could come up with this type of conclusion and she has or had no idea what that has done to me, how could a nurse on a mental ward not be able to understand what I was telling her or was she listening at all. Was this nurse so confused. I was not able to sleep a wink very well last night and oh did the nightmares creek into my sleep. What really bothers me is in order to get better results from the ECT, my doctor lowered by half my medication that was given to me to fight off the nightmares or terrors as I call them. My mind is racing, I am shaking were I can’t even type let alone spell these words correct. Thank god for spell check on the program I use prior to posting into the post section of the blog.

            This morning I forced myself out of bed about 9:00, washed and brushed my hair and then put on a new set of clothes on. I made my way down to what they call the day room and ate a little breakfast, returned to my bed and laid down again. Well, my Doctor called me down to meet with him and we discussed that I will start my first treatment of ECT on Friday at 7am. If everything goes as planned he said I could go home on Saturday but if there is any abnormal type of reaction I will stay as an impatient until my next ECT appointment on Monday, then I would go home on Tuesday. Basically the ECT that goes okay I will go home after and begin an outpatient regiment of Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the next two weeks. Seven treatments in all unless there seems to be a need for more, but we will cross that road when we get to it.

            I explained to my wife and social worker that although I will not do it, this saying I raped my own sister when all along I tried to protect her and sent my brains into scrambled eggs. I am in such a depression and have such a headache I cannot begin to tell you know it feels to be a survivor and something like that be written into your permanent medical records. I know my Social worker and My Doctor are going to put notes in that the statement is false it still bothers me that the fact this note even exists in my records is something I am having a problem dealing with or handling. My wife called the Doctors office who called him while he and I were in conference this morning and she stated she is going to call the hospital administrator which I what I would have done if the phones were more private and I could discuss what happened and what it has done to me.

            I am going to lay down and try and relax, all my tests that were taken yesterday came back okay and a medical doctor is going to be seeing me this after noon for approval and then my Doctor will be in again tonight to see how I am doing prior to the ECT. Just based on this Rape thing I am ready to leave today but know I need to do this for me and my family. I will let you know what happens later in the day if anything changes between now and then. Until Next Time…

In the hospital for long awaited ECT.

            It has been a couple days since I have blogged, and I just wanted to explain why I have not been on. I have finally been admitted to the hospital to start my ECT treatments that I have been waiting for. The amount of depression that I have been writing about over the last two months just has become so overwhelming that I have kept pushing for this because the amount of medications I am on has not cutting it for me. Yesterday on my daughters ninth birthday, they found a bed and I took advantage of it.

            Checking in was just like checking into any normal hospital for an expected procedure with questions of past and history. They took all my vitals and given a tour of the floor where everything is located, given a room and allowed to settle in. I ended up going to sleep about 9pm and woke up beginning at 9am. I was woke up for blood work and fell right back to sleep, several minuets I was woken for a chest and spinal e-ray which again came back and fell a sleep, same with the CAT Scan and EKG. I finally woke and got about of bed about 5:30 today, after eighteen and a half hours of sleep I actually attended a group on Stress Management and ate a little bit of my dinner. I know that I was depressed again, and I told my wife when she dropped me off that I was scared because for some reason I did not feel safe and was stepping out of my comfort zone. All my prior hospital stays I was on the ward and was always locked in, the same with this floor I am locked in however I do not feel the sense of security as I did before. The shakes and feeling of emptiness are pretty strong and I cannot explain any of these.

            I finished all the tests that are needed for the ECT so I am not sure if it will be started on Thursday or Friday, they are hoping to do at least two sessions before allowing me to be released to make sure my body and mind can handle the sessions. After the two are completed I will continue to have treatments on an outpatient basis and currently there is no amount of treatments or and end date in mind yet. The only thing that I am scared about is the loss of memory that comes as a side effect from ECT. They said it should last at most two hours but after research it could last up to two days. That is what I am afraid of the most. But what I have been afraid about I am about to find.

            They only allow me an hour on the computer, so this entry is going to be short. I do plan on using the other moments I have to type up a draft or maybe even a poem or two on what’s going on here and with my mind. I hope That everything will work out and sure goes the way I hope it to be. Until Next Time..

I was abused, but what about my family?

            I was abused! In order to start to heal I need to admit what happened in my past was real and was not my fault. I will heal from this! In order to heal I have to set a goal and remind myself daily that I am going to reach this goal. I will be there for you during my recovery! I need to promise, no I mean comfort you, wait I mean tell you… I am hurting so bad that it is so hard to be there for you when you need me. That sounds more like what needs to be said when the realization of Child Abuse comes out as if you were just hit a brick wall, during a foot race in the middle of the night, out in the country where there are no street lights. It never happens when your expecting it or ready for it to come out and the news hits you harder then learning a parent has passed away, at least you can understand why they passed away, but not that the inner child in you was killed and you forgot all about it when you realize that it now explains how you have been living your life.

            So how do you tell the people you love so much that learning about this is not going to change a thing or the person that you are? When it first hits, you really have no idea what type of road your about to embark on and no two people have the exact same path. My path included Sexual, Physical and Mental abuse as a child but the biggest realization was that not only physically abused mostly at the hands of my mother, but the fact that she was aware of the Sexual Abuse by my brother and did nothing about it. Standing there looking at the path I was going to be headed down looked like the haunted woods out of a horror movie where it is dark, the trees all look like hands ready to grab you and the sounds of coyotes can be heard in the distance. One of the problems from this, with every flashback, nightmare, and memory the path was really starting to look this way. Major Depression sets in which feels as if a Black Hole appeared inside of your body that won’t allow anything to pass it, sucking in feelings, thoughts, dreams and basically anything that has to do with being the person that you are. Your whole life changes, just as the Black Hole appears so does a new Star giving off new feelings that you’re not ready to feel or know how to express. Anger, feelings of helplessness, despair, so bad that some reactions could be so painful, that the taking of ones life becomes the only option they feel they have.

            When this all hits, and most times it hits all at once as mine did, it brings a person to the point where it affects family and friends in ways that one cannot imagine. I know I have blogged before about missing concerts, dinners, church and other events of the family, but what about their feelings? What about their real inner feelings like fear of the unknown because they have no idea what is going on. What about their own feeling of helplessness that they feel because as much as they love you, they were always there for you if you got hurt or upset and now they have no idea to react towards you. If they ask a question, will they set off a flashback that will cause you to withdrawal and hide away from anyone? What happens when one child yells at another child as kids do and it reminds you of your own childhood that can bring on a flashback or trigger depression that is so deep that it just feels like the end of the world is near? What happens when your loved one comes to you in need of something and because of the depression, which takes away all your energy, all you ever tell them is you can’t right now or it’s not a good time and the now and time never comes around.

            Throughout my blog I have talked about things my children have said in comments to me out of anger and other things that I cannot do like I used to do. To the family it becomes like living with a zombie, always depressed and always feeling so very low. The children see this and wonder if daddy will ever be able to play with them again, they start to question how they should act and treat you. My oldest daughter did research on PTSD in her child psychology class and talks to me as a child, which sometimes makes me feel better, or explains to my wife some of the things I do because it’s just what she studied about in children. My wife tries to understand that why I spend most of my time sleeping or sitting around looking like such a lost puppy. She attends all my counseling appointments and understands that the medications that I am on is not helping and this is the reason they are discussing and waiting to start ECT in hopes to stop the depression, but understanding and dealing with it is two separate things. Just as I know that I am not going to get hurt again, yet the fears are so strong that I became agoraphobic afraid to leave the house. What’s really weird is that I am suffering from my abuse as a child, dealing with so much information and becoming more and more depressed and my family is suffering from a loss of the father they knew, having to deal with so many ups and downs and becoming so depressed because they can’t do anything to help. Why do I say weird, because when I am having bad days do you think that this even crosses my mind? And when it does cross my mind it adds to the suffering because it is something that is so hard to change and I realize that as time goes on I am loosing time with my family that should becoming great memories, but the loss of the memory that I am having I can’t remember yesterdays happenings let alone the last nine months.

            Basically PTSD DID and Major Depression does not just hit the person who experiences the trauma but seriously impacts the lives of the people who love us the most. They watch their father go from smiling, joking around all the time to frowning and living in what seems to be my own little world. It hurts even more that as much as I try I just can’t seem to get out of this slump; even the medications just don’t seem to fit the correct bill to bring me back. Many stories I read tell of broken homes, lost families and bottoming out without really being in control of what happened. I discussed this with my own counselor and she suggested that Family Counseling should be used yet if one has a problem dealing with life how are they to deal with the losing of family along with ones mind. The whole situation becomes so difficult at times that one does not feel like healing is possible without a cost. Almost makes taking the path to recovery less attractive so that you do not hurt your family yet by not taking the path only hurts your family more because you hide the truth and that is going to come out in other ways such as anger. It often causes the most unthinkable in my own opinion because when anger takes over, the fighting over the littlest things become an everyday event which as we can’t admit will affect children for the rest of their own lives. What they start to see places fears in them, they will blame themselves, they will begin to change their own lives over seeing what is going on and out of their own anger will often say things they do not mean, like what my daughter already has done. And the stress that is placed on a marriage is so enormous because what used to be a couple is now one taking care of the other which only places more resentment because even though the wedding vows say for better or for worse, living with someone who suffers with this places so much burden on them that they wish to seek to get away for breaks when most times they can’t and that breeds resentment in the marriage, bottom line it is a vicious circle.

            The Biggest bottom line is that everyone needs to trust their family members and continue to allow them into our lives. When you have a flashback don’t be afraid to share it with your wife, she may not like it or be able to deal with it but she will begin to understand what your going through. It is going to be very hard to answer the questions that she has but by answering them will make you more comfortable in opening up to her and she will learn how to hold you and love you even more because she will start to fully understand what you are going through. Take your loved one on a session or two, her input just may help you recover because she sees you from the outside and often two views help counselors find that right treatment plan and can give you homework on getting better that might even include your loved one taking some of the stress off you because you now have a team 24/7 to help walk the path with you. It’s may or may not make the recovery any easier or faster but it will make it a recovery that you won’t have to reach on your own. Trust in your vows; trust in your family and most of all trust in yourself because you’re going to reach your goal. Most of all, it’s going to help you find ways to deal with things that you feel you need to deal with on your own. Until Next Time….