When did we do that?

            When did we do that, seems to be the question I keep asking a lot these days, especially now that I have started my Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). In fact, not only do I ask that question more often now I seriously have lost days from my memory as little as four days prior to my first treatment. It was something they said could happen, and I heard that everyone goes through it while having ECT but I did not expect how it would affect me or feel once it started with me.

            On December 7^th I was admitted to the hospital around six o’clock in the evening, from the time I woke up till the time I arrived at the hospital is a total and complete blank. It is so blank, it is as if the whole day never happened and if it did I was not a part of it, or so I remember. Yet, everyone tells me what I did, I know we did purchase a snow blower, from where I have no idea, how we got it home is a nope either and getting it into the truck and all…. No way!! If not for the machine in the garage and the video I played with on the way I would not believe it even happened at all.

            Yet as I said, the only memory I have of December 7^th was the hospital. All day we looked for a snow blower as the one we had did not work and I did not have the time or recourses to repair the machine prior to me going into the hospital and the next major snow fall here. On the way to Home Depot, about a 15 minute ride I let my video cell phone record the trip from the house to Home Depot’s parking lot. Even though I do not remember the trip I can play it over and watch as I pass cars along the way, change lanes, carry on conversations and even park the truck, messed up because I cannot remember it at all to save my life. I am told we called ahead so they put one together and on hold for us to pick up that day, told that it was cold and snowing as we put down the ramps and pushed it onto the truck. I could have been dressed as a big pink duck, because none of that can I remember. It really is like someone telling me a story from when I was a child to young to remember something, like my first step or something like that. And the feeling you get listening to it and trying with all your might to remember it and there is absolutely no memory what so ever is the most eeriest feeling you can have, worst then waking up from a heavy night of drinking because you don’t feel the ill feelings that go along with that. I mean, there is just no memory of it at all, and little things in-between then and even now are blank spots including a few days prior to that day. It really is weird to feel this way, almost like amnesia has set in and it’s like a little nightmare.

            So far, this has been my experience with the ECT which is only a side effect and not a treatment. My depression is still present and I still have the lack of desire to do most things however I was able to attend Christmas Mass without having to be on total meds just to control my anxiety. I was still shaking and afraid to look around but as long as I was sitting close to family and they were holding my hand as a way of comfort and support I was able to stay the whole mass which is something I was not able to do weeks prior. So, I would have to say that from only six treatments there has been some improvement which two days before I did not think there was any. So my chin is starting to look up a bit and I am actually looking forward to the next four treatments to see how much further I can progress. Monday is number seven and my first out patient treatment so I am wondering how that is going to go. I do not expect it to be much worse, aside from coming home and falling asleep and not being taken to a floor should be about it. Of course I will blog and fill everyone in on how it goes then. Until Next Time.