Family and bad moments.

       Here is another journal page I wrote last month about a bad night I was having. I talk also how my family sometimes deals with me although I have their full support.
      

Tonight is now September 24^th and it is 12:33 in the morning. I am sitting up watching a DVD for no reason at all. I am not tired, then again I was up late and slept till 2 in the afternoon. What I am right now is paranoid, scared and in a panic attack that has been going on for the last several hours. I don’t know what is making me this way but I do have a feeling. My family is getting really sick and tired of me being this way. my wife tells me almost everyday how she can’t deal with me sleeping the day away and not having any time for her. I know that she is right; I know I am doing what I don’t want to be. Hell I am getting sick of how I am. I am sick and tired of my fears, my depression,  my sleeping all day long, sitting downstairs and not going upstairs like I used to, the kids fears about me, and just how they think I am going to turn out. One daughter really said it right when she said that I am nothing and I am going to turn out to be nothing in the state I am in. My problem is I don’t know how to get past it or how to make it better. I really don’t. Everyone thinks I am happy where I am and what I am doing but the thought of how I wish I was allowed to take my life or leave them fill my mind everyday now in between the flash backs that are all the same now and some new. I feel like I am loosing a battle to keep my mind sometimes. The shaking that goes on is starting too really to get on my nerves. My wife asked me tonight if I had any contact with my alters, I told he no but I know that Robert is my main problem in my life. I believe he is the one who was there to see the abuse to my sister; he was the one who got beat up for trying to stop them. He is the one who saw one of the friends over top of my sister in the kitchen; He is the one who saw dad leaving us alone to go to bonnie’s house. He was the one who saw the girl being rapped on the floor in the living room. This about the same age that I ended up in the bedroom of the teacher with the door closed. I am pretty sure that this is the one who was most victim of this and why there is so much anger and fear inside me. My wife says there is no one out there to hurt me but my problem is I believe it is a fear of running into people who knew me at a younger age. People from high school or something, maybe it is the fear of cars going by because before the thing with the teacher she would pick me up to help and family services in the military I know she used to put her hand on my knees as we talked. Maybe it has something to do with the minister from Connecticut who took me to that parking lot and fondled me. Maybe it is the fear of the sex offenders that the schools announce that makes me so afraid to go out side. Everyone says that there is no one out there to harm me; however I always had this fear that I had “I was abused” written across my forehead. Just as when a guy looks at a woman and thinks how good she looks, I fear someone is driving by and thinks that when they look at me. Maybe it also is the fact that it was my brother who abused these children and I am afraid to go out with the same last name. Maybe it has to do with everything I typed, or maybe it is none of the above. I wish I knew to be honest with you because it is not getting better by far and to hear my wife hurting so bad that she told me this is the reason she is in counseling. I am not a father to these kids anymore and lord knows that I am not a husband to my wife over this either.  Personally I don’t feel I am a person anymore to any of this shit going on.  I am hoping that the shock treatments with lesson my depression, which will lesson my thoughts and will help me get back on the road I was on before. One big problem is that it won’t get back the last 7 months of my life and the things I missed of my children. I don’t think it will bring back the life I had with my wife either. When I get upset, she now asks who I am and she even has one daughter asking the same question. She does not know that I am afraid to admit I have alters, I am afraid to contact them because I don’t know what my mind will do once we start talking.  I am more comfortable knowing that they do come out in front of my wife and that she is building report with them. I am afraid to admit I am as sick as I am. I am embarrassed to be out of work, I am embarrassed to be on the very low end of money coming in, and I am embarrassed with the people who do know what my problem is. I know the kids have told their teachers, the guard people, family knows and some friends know. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and die most times I go out because I don’t know who knows, if I will run into people who do know or if I will run into people I know who ask why I am not working since I walk and talk like there is no problems. What is worse is my memory sucks and I try not to admit a whole lot to my wife about that. It seems every time I tell her something it is something that happens to her and she explains to me how to deal with it. Almost as if I am not sick, as if I am pulling this to stay home or something. She did admit to me that she cannot understand why things are happening, like afraid to go outside when it happened in the house. It happened in the house, it happened in his car, it happened in the camper; it happened at friend’s houses, it happened in the woods. It was not just the house or at the place he babysat. I was just thinking that it happened on a row boat out in Oneida Lake because he could look to see if boats were coming. It was the first summer we were there before I met my wife. And the camper, I remember now that it involved family friends at least the younger one who I think was my age. A lot went on at camp that most of it was a blur. I know my dad smoked hash; there was a lot of drinking, for some reason we were taken out to the camp and left alone with him. I am not sure if he was driving at that point or not but he very well could have been. Maybe that explains when we go camping I am always looking to go driving or just stay in the camper. I have no idea why my mind thinks the way it does and I do not know why I act the way I do but one thing I do know is that I wish I never got married or had children. It hurts me so bad to see them all hurting, I feel like a monster in their lives. Yes, my wife can say that I am not a monster but if I am human and the husband I was once before then what do you call what I am now. I know the kids are hurting, hell one daughter told me to go kill myself because I am not worth anything. And when we were fighting and I told her to get on all fours so the cars and hit her in the ass, she even stated just like you got it when you were a kid? My problems, my past is in their minds and they use it against me often. I get so hurt, angry and stop talking to them which really gets my wife really pissed off that she yells at me. I am suppose to  remember they are kids, but it was kids who treated me the way I was treated, like in school. She does not think that it takes me back to that age when it happens and I am supposed to shrug it off. I have become to the point where I really do not want to live here any more. I know it will hurt the family if I leave but the one thing they will not have to worry about is me hiding down in my room, they will not have to worry about me not going shopping with them, they will not have to worry if it is me or an alter acting out. my wife won’t have to ask who I am, she won’t have to complain that I am no longer a husband to her as I sit and do nothing; she won’t have to worry about me sleeping too much. There is a lot of things they will not have to worry about. Yes, I won’t be around but sometimes I feel this could be the best answer for all of us. No, I cannot live this way anymore and I am sick of staying up, sleeping in, all the panic attacks, all the fears, all the memories, all the worries about my family, not having anymore family, and being the joke of some neighbors. Yeah, my neighbor asked me “what you got some mental problems” and I wonder who told him that. I am sick of going to counseling once a week and feeling like I am not on a track. I go to the doctor and see my psyciatrist but there again it's all about the medications. How do I find direction when I can’t seem to find what direction I need to go in self healing? How can I self heal when I don’t even know how to combat the feelings that I have, worst yet how can I fix the feelings if I don’t even know where these feelings are coming from. What is even harder on my mind, is I look back and I was the way I am now but only very little. It was the volcano that tossed me to the wayside and made me worse to where I am today. How do I turn back the clock, how do I get my wife to believe me, how do I get her to understand, how do I stop hurting her by being afraid. Like the old saying, you can’t help someone until you can help yourself. If I can’t help myself how in the hell can I help my family? And if my family does not understand me, how do they truly know how to love me for who I am and not worry about what I am. So the real question, how do I live the way I am in this house and still have a house full of love when I am as distant from them as they have all said. No one really talks to me except to express their feelings of anger and discuss. Like tonight I tried to talk to my wife about how I was feeling, I stopped because she walked to her desk after telling me that in order to get over it I need to do something other then play on the computer which I use to get my mind off things. She did not sit and listen to me, then again I know she is sick of listening to me all the time. She is sick of me not being there for her. Basically the whole house is becoming sick of me and that only deepens the depression.