I can't deal with their views..

Photobucket            This is actually my second post today and this is something that is really bothering me and I can’t stop thinking about it to the point it woke me up from a nap and I am having shakes and tremors out of what feels like fear. I am referring to the note that the Nurse placed in my intake notes of my medical records stating that I Raped my Sister while my Father watched which is far from truth. I can’t stop thinking about what the Social Worker told me when she asked if my sister was willing. When I said “no” she told me then it was called rape.

            From what she is telling me is that I raped my sister yet I notice that my sister did not rape me, even though I was not willing either. Rolling in my mind is what I was thinking as this act was going on, fear that just like the dogs we raised, we would get stuck. If I was so afraid then why would I force my sister to do that? After many years of dealing with a past from hell, in and out of counseling, major breakdown back in February which has had me out of work since then, in and out of four hospitals and on a ton of medications that has made physical changes to my personal life from side effects in relation to both my memory and sexual life. Now, I can’t get this out of my mind and it is really affecting me to the point where I just can’t deal with it.

            I need to slow my mind down and try to grasp what really happened, but the words of the social worker keep over shadowing my thoughts. If society has been looking at it this way then I question whether or not all my life counselors felt the same way or if the doctors who have treated me thought the same way. I am beginning to wonder where my mind is going and if my life is not what I have been thinking all along. I just can’t get the phrase off my mind about my sister not being willing and because I was the one who penetrated her that I raped her. I am just having major problems and hope I will be able to get answers as to what is going on, was the counselor correct or did she miss speak? This has me really messed up. Until Next Time if not too soon…

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