The past controls the present, leaves future uncertain.

     Many historians will tell you in order to see into the future you need only look into the past, the past always repeats itself. Fact of the matter is the past not only can tell you the future but is so powerful that it can actually control the present. Many survivors will tell you that the past has played such a major roll in their lives, the way they live in the present has either been dictated by their past or plays out daily in almost everything they do.

     This is something that has bothered me for many years, why today when I am faced with a situation my mind will resort to my past and the decision I make will be made based on past events, not information from today? Like a cornered dog will use his instinct to protect himself and fight to break free from harm, my reaction is to let harm happen afraid that it will hurt me more if I do not give in. For many years I have placed myself into these situations, almost seeking them out as if I don't I may end up in harms way. I know that as a child, I would almost make my self present to my abuser in some sort of mental way thinking that as long as I was there what could happen I had some control over. Although I did not want anything to happen, I was safer because I was out of more severe harms way thus giving me more control, or what seemed to be control in what was going on. Today I find myself doing the same exact thing feeling even more vulnerable and yet not stepping away or even putting a stop to it. And although many deep secrets still remain and are slowly coming forward reminding me more about my past. Things that I may not have a clear vision of what took place but will leave myself questioning why I have the vision in my mind if nothing happened.

     I have been told that when someone acts just like my mother did growing up they can pretty much control me just as she did. This includes decision making, actions that in the one part of my mind I KNOW it is wrong yet I will continue on or allow it to happen without any thought of what could happen after the fact. I realized tonight that this may very much be true. I know I have told my wife about this at one time, but in typing this some very vivid flashbacks appeared in my mind. I am trying to sort them out and if the sights that I saw were correct, which I strongly feel they are correct this may just explain somehow someone can walk into my life and I pretty much hand my self over to them.

     One thing that really makes this harder is bring in DID to the picture with alters who are suppose to be the ones who lived thru this. How something can happen and I have no memory of it what so ever, how ever with the pictures I have in my head it makes me wonder if it is protection that I am doing when I do this. And what makes the problems even worse is trying to talk to someone who does not fully understand and they tell you it does not matter what frame of mind your in the end result is because of me. While the statement is true, my alters are very much me at different ages or stages of my life, The fact of the matter is it was me and I need to face up to the fact it was me. Right now I am going to have to close this post tonight because my mind is starting to race and I need to try and work on staying grounded, because the mind is it total over load and I am not sure what I am going to type may make any sense to anyone.


Comments

r33na said…
sometimes you dont have any memory over something, as one of our mind's way of protecting ourselves is to erase the memory from our conscious mind

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