Stuck in a Mental Whirlpool.

      Living with several mental problems makes life so hard to the point that confusion, forgetfulness, constant fears and thoughts that run so fast it's sometimes hard to slow down just to hear what you are thinking. This is what is going on with me, living in a whirlpool everything I just mentioned and tossing in trying to live day to day. So why am I letting this continue instead of seeking treatment? Good question.

     Now I am not bashing any organization but I live in New York. Now I have been disabled for over a year and a half and because of this I was put on medicaid. To my surprise there are no long term treatment centers in New York state. There are only acute centers and believe me I have called every center or hospital I could find on Yahoo. I found several top rated centers all across the country, even the one I was in last year called Sheppard Pratt. The kicker is New York Medicaid will only pay for services instate only. They will not cover any type of treatment out of state. My Doctor has put in a request to medicaid for permission but after one week there still is no answer.

     Now with help from family I have been able to stay somewhat grounded, but in no way is it two feet on the ground. I find myself regressing in how I have come thus far, I am planning to go to a local hospital. I do not want to die, this is very much heavy in my head, no way, no how. BUT I have been doubling some of my meds, sometimes taking three days worth which helps me just sleep it away. Now this has been only happening for a week but it should not be happenings at all. Last night I took my normal meds and plan to do so tonight because for some reason I feel the need to sleep. I don't know it is my paranoia, one of my alters or just I'm in such a panic I fear I wont be able to sleep. Fact of the matter there has been an increase of nightmares and flashbacks since my friend listened to a recording of a counseling session.

     Now the main reason I have not gone into a hospital is here it is pretty much eat, take meds and go to sleep. Their main focus are people who are suicidal or suffering from major depression, I may be really depressed but I feel they really can't do anything for me. So needless to say I am so stuck in the pickle jar that I don't know how far off I am until I can get into a center. Yet my second fear, how long can I stay grounded with a stable mind. Because everyday I feel like I am loosing myself every little bit at a time. So if I don't hear back I will check in and see if maybe it's a problem with meds or me.. We shall see, I Pray.

Comments

Randy Furco said…
There is freedom....there is healing..there is a way for your soul to be made whole again. I will pray for you and I believe The Lord will reveal himself to you in a way that will casue a life changing shift in your life.
August 10, 2011 at 2:54 AM
Tamara said…
Oh no! It looks like you used to be an avid poster and haven't posted since August! I hope you are ok! I too am a survivor of childhood sex abuse and I understand your pain. Some days I can barely breath. I hope that you are ok! I am also blogging about my abuse and it's past and current affects. I think that having someone to relate to is vital! It is so lonely out there when you feel so empty. I hope you have been able to find help and haven't given up. My blog has some religious overtones but I would love for you to come visit. I think it helps to know that there are others dealing with the same pain and struggles. My blog is withpatiencebear dot blogspot dot com . I really hope you are ok! I want to start following your blog. I look forward to your next post!
January 21, 2012 at 1:47 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tonights Scrambled Brain goes into overload.

       Well the weekend is over, and yet another week is coming up, dealing with depression and waiting for the doctor to decide if they are going to do ECT or not. I already know the pills are not working and of course they can't up anything because of the amount of medication I am already on. I am really starting to get angry over this depression. My wife asks me all the time what is wrong and as normal I can't tell her why.        I just got back from Potsdam where I picked up a file cabinet to take to Liverpool for my Mother-N-Law. I am trying to remember what it was that came flashing into my mind on the way home. This forgetting and memory loss is getting old too. If I could remember I might be able to understand maybe why I am feeling so dam depressed. I know I was driving listening to Elvis on CD and I thought about where I was when he died. But that was no flashback that had nothing to do with my abuse or...
Read more

For the first time, Craigslist triggers GOOD memories.

               A few nights ago, I stated that it has become very hard for me to think of any good memories of my past that do not become over shadowed by a bad memory or two. The deep depression I have never allows me to feel like there has ever been any good in my life and no matter how I try I can never find any good. This past post I referred to, I spoke about my Baseball game as one example where I loved to play and my parents never came to watch, good over shadowed by bad. Well, for the first time in a very long time, I was triggered by an ad on Craigslist that had a couple of photos attached. Triggers of GOOD memories and not the bad that has been going on for the longest time. The ad, a 1968 Volkswagen Beetle that someone here in Syracuse is selling. My father had a Volkswagen when I was a child, and even though this car was not the same color as the one my father had, ...
Read more

You can't turn back the hands of time.

"Sometimes. hits me in the morning, hits me at night  That I cannot turn back the years  So I look out my window, turn off my light  But I cannot turn back the years"   Phil Collins     Everyone wishes they can turn back the hands of time on some event in their lives, this is especially true for those who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Where a certain event or series of events in that persons life has caused so much trauma that it literally changes their lives forever.     For me, I live this dream on a daily basis as I cannot escape the effects that these events has had on me ever since I was a child. Turning back the clock would only be a dream come true, however which point to turn it to I could not even begin to figure out. My memories go so far back that they become distorted to the point of confusion putting events into a single timeline. What I thought may have happened at five years old, may have actu...
Read more