Road to Recovery: My own thoughts along my path.

    Today I had a meeting with a group of people of a department I am looking to work with. In this meeting we discussed a lot of issues and topics, one of which was my PTSD which raised a few questions which of course the first one was if I was in the Military or not. Of course within recent years due to the amount of wars we have taken part in, the country is becoming more aware of  the term and is becoming a more recognized mental illness in our community today.      What really surprised me, and almost angered me, is the lack of real knowledge of just what PTSD is and how it can and does effect a person. There almost was a sense of fear in the conversation as if they needed to walk on egg shells. Now this was not a job interview so it was not like anything was off key however questions were asked and it was really evident that the questions asked and the manor they were asked in really showed just how uneducated they were, almost to the poin...

     I previously blogged about walls that someone who has been abused will build inside their mind to protect themselves from further abuse and to hind behind from the abuse they have endured. These walls can sometimes be so strong that even the closest of family members or loved ones have great difficulty even getting a chance to peek beyond them for a chance to understand or to strengthen the bond one currently has with a person who has been abused.      For someone who has built these walls, even for them they find it very hard to ever let someone in fully. Often friendships and relationships are gripped with mistrust, skepticism and fear which is well hidden from the one whom the person is attached to. Although these issues are not the intention, they are a natural protection that comes from these walls and serve as the main source of stability in ones mind and life. For a loved one who has to deal with someone who has these walls, str...

    My previous blog post talked a lot about what has happened to me over the course of the last two years. Obviously there was a ton of details and specific actions in the blog that was left out only because the post could have almost turned into a small book had I truly started from the beginning and wrote about events until that blog was posted.      But what that post does bring to the forefront is what every person who suffers from any type of mental or physical abuse trauma and that is the fear of being abused again. While the actual event of the trauma weighs heavy on the mind and soul of a person, the fears of reoccurring abuse is what brings on the stress associated with that specific trauma. It's within this stress that the body reacts and takes on a defensive in different forms which could include phobias, terrors in dreams, panic attacks and many other reactions that effect everyday normal living. It is dealing with these that one su...

     Tonight is confession night as I again feel I need to start my blogging again. It's been since 2011 when I last posted to my blog and so much has happened to me, my life and the view of my future. Ever since a three week stretch, in an out of two hospitals my life has begun to take some changes in both the way I think and feel. I have been told by several people that they have seen a change in me, and I hope that the path I am on is closer to healing rather then heading towards either another breakdown or let down of emotions.      E motions, the key to what keeps me going and what has me starting to write in my blog again. The fact is, on July 9th I broke it off with my girlfriend and also was informed my divorce was in fact final. For those who followed my blog in the past read how strong my family was for me and how I was getting by with them in my life. Fact again is that all that was lost when someone came into...

      Living with several mental problems makes life so hard to the point that confusion, forgetfulness, constant fears and thoughts that run so fast it's sometimes hard to slow down just to hear what you are thinking. This is what is going on with me, living in a whirlpool everything I just mentioned and tossing in trying to live day to day. So why am I letting this continue instead of seeking treatment? Good question.      Now I am not bashing any organization but I live in New York. Now I have been disabled for over a year and a half and because of this I was put on medicaid. To my surprise there are no long term treatment centers in New York state. There are only acute centers and believe me I have called every center or hospital I could find on Yahoo. I found several top rated centers all across the country, even the one I was in last year called Sheppard Pratt. The kicker is New York Medicaid will only pay for services instate on...

      What surprises me even more is the fact that I have an alter that is the same way and in fact hates my wife. Just within the last several months after moving out and letting my alters run wild my one alter took to one female friend of mine and we had an affair. I don't remember anything from it, how it started, how it progressed, who made the first mood or anything. This created a very bad situation for me because I feel I did nothing wrong even though I did do something wrong. One of the biggest problems I have and depresses me the deepest is that when my wife and I argue she always addresses me and YOU. You did this, you did that or you betrayed us. I automatically going into a defencive mode because I did not do this, and yet in some way I did do this because my alters are a part of me. But how does one control alters and stop them from doing as they please or stop them from the damage they create of broken hearts and broken dreams?    ...

     Many historians will tell you in order to see into the future you need only look into the past, the past always repeats itself. Fact of the matter is the past not only can tell you the future but is so powerful that it can actually control the present. Many survivors will tell you that the past has played such a major roll in their lives, the way they live in the present has either been dictated by their past or plays out daily in almost everything they do.      This is something that has bothered me for many years, why today when I am faced with a situation my mind will resort to my past and the decision I make will be made based on past events, not information from today? Like a cornered dog will use his instinct to protect himself and fight to break free from harm, my reaction is to let harm happen afraid that it will hurt me more if I do not give in. For many years I have placed myself into these situations, almost seeking the...